


Intoxicate Me Now

by spencer_reids_hands



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Drunk Spencer Reid, Funny, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, OOC, humor ensues, ooc Spencer Reid, spencer is drunk, the team is not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28689330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spencer_reids_hands/pseuds/spencer_reids_hands
Summary: Spencer is called into a case one late night, drunk off his ass. The team sees a new side to the genius on the jet to their new case.
Relationships: Ethan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 141





	Intoxicate Me Now

Hotch rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear away the remaining sleep. He risked a glance up, seeing the rest of the team waiting at the round table. Well, the rest of the team barring Spencer. Garcia had left numerous texts and voicemails, trying to alert the genius of their incoming case, to no avail. After they debrief he'd send Morgan to Spencer's apartment to retrieve the, probably sleeping, man. He shook his head, clearing away the fog that was desperate to set in, and pushed the door to the room, silencing the table with his arrival, not that it was hard with their varying levels of exhaustion. 

"Still no word on Reid?" He asked, and Garcia shook her head. 

"No, Sir, I can call one more time, if you'd like?" 

Hotch nodded and Garcia did the same, pulling out her phone and pressing his contact, putting the phone on speaker and setting it on the table in between all of them. She set up the presentation, passing files to everyone while her phone rang three times. The team settled on the fact that they would just have to drag Spencer out of bed when the ringing stopped midway, his voice coming through the crackly speaker. 

"Reid here!" He yelled, voice deep as ever, and the volume startled the team. His voice sounded off, but they chalked it up to being awoken from his obviously heavy slumber.

"Spencer?" Garcia asked. "We have a case, we need you in. You'll miss the debriefing but the team can fill you in on the plane."

"All good, Penny G! I'll be there quicker than you can say 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!'" His words slurred together and they had to wonder if that was even a real word. 

"Reid, are you drunk?" Hotch asked, picking up Garcia's sparkly pink phone from the table. 

"Why would-why would you even ask that!" He responded, obviously drunk. "I'm sober as the day I was born!"

 _"He's drunk!"_ A voice confirmed in the background of the call and Spencer sounded his distaste. 

"Ethan!" He cried, sounding close to actual tears. "Don't tell them!"

"Spencer, who are you with?" JJ asked, leaning closer to the phone. 

"Mah babe!" He said, a smile evident in his voice. If Spencer was sober he would've wished he had been there to see the shock on everyone's faces. They didn't know he was bisexual or in a relationship, even though he had been with Ethan for five years since he was 24, and they reconnected in New Orleans. "He's great, guys. You should meet him!"

" _Alright, short-stack, let's get you some coffee."_ The voice sounded off again in the back, before speaking clearly, obviously having taken the phone from the drunk doctor. "I'm sorry, I'll get him sobered up a bit and get him down to Quantico, but you'll have to deal with his drunk ass afterward. Good luck!" The phone call ended with a click, everyone at the table sitting, shellshocked. 

"So, uh, Penelope? The case?" Hotch broke the silence, and Penelope just nodded, moving to the front of the room, while the rest of the team stifled their giggles, eagerly awaiting Spencer's arrival. 

* * *

It was twenty-five minutes later when Spencer arrived, leaning on a tall man's side. Spencer wore his typical sweater and blazer, but there was a cloak over it and he wore his glasses, dark black makeup smeared over his eyes. His hair was ruffled and if he turned his head the right way he sweater would shift and reveal faded hickies. 

"Hotch!" He yelled, nearly escaping Ethan's grasp. The man grabbed onto the back of his husband's robe and kept him from making even more of a fool of himself, especially when there were other agents besides his team around. Hotch heard his name and walked quickly over to the pair. 

"Ethan Reid," Ethan said, putting his hand out to shake Hotch's. "It's nice to finally meet you, but I wish it wasn't like this." He nodded over to his drunken _husband_ , apparently. 

"Aaron Hotchner, nice to meet you as well. How much has he had to drink?"

"Don't tell my boss, but I've had eleven!" Spencer grinned, leaning into Ethan again, kissing his cheek. Ethan smiled but pushed the man off of him. 

"Eleven shots," Ethan clarified. "I had quite a few too, but I stopped an hour or so ago, so I'm sobered up a bit. I gave him some coffee and water, but he'll need to sleep it off, or drink a lot more water and get some food into his system. How long is your ride?" He did look and act a bit tipsy, now that Hotch knew he had alcohol in his system. Based on the lack of keys he assumed they used rideshare of some sort or took a cab. He also remembered the nickname Ethan had used on Spencer earlier, short-stack. He was tall, but not much taller than Reid. An inch, maybe two if Reid slouched-which he often did. 

"Six hours."

"That should give him time to sober up." He turned to Spencer, ignoring Hotch's presence. "Alright, baby, I've gotta go now, and you've gotta sober up. Call me when you land, short stack." He kissed Spencer's cheek, trying to push him towards Hotch, but Spencer frowned. 

"But we just got married! I wanna stay with you." He clung onto Ethan's arm and the man smiled sadly. 

"I know, but you gotta help people. I'll be waiting for you at home when you get back. Okay?"

Spencer sniffled crocodile tears, nodding his head and placing a big kiss on Ethan's lips, ignoring his boss's awkward presence. Ethan waved goodbye, grinning like a mad man before heading back to the elevator. 

Hotch had many questions but chose not to voice any of them, simply leading Spencer to the jet. 

The team had brewed a pot of coffee and placed three separate water bottles at the table in preparation for Spencer's arrival. 

"You guys saved me a seat!" He crooned, hugging JJ before sitting next to her and taking the cup of coffee waiting for him. 

"So, Spencer," Derek grinned. "Wanna tell us bout your 'babe?'"

Spencer smiled big, remembering their phone call despite his drunkenness. Even drunk off his ass he still had an eidetic memory. "Ethan's s'great, guys. He helped me take off my costume and get dressed. He didn't stop me when I put the costume on over my suit, but he did try to wipe off the makeup. I didn't let him. He loves me," Tears stung the back of his eyes, and the team noticed. 

"Hey, lover-boy," Emily said gently, a grin on her face despite her tone. "Why so blue?"

"Wanna be with him now," Spencer said, entirely ineloquent. He held his hand out in front of him and admired it. "We just got married! I wanna stay with him. Isn't my ring pretty?" He added, showing it off. 

Rossi coughed on his own coffee, the rest of the team not in great shape over the news. 

"Spencer!" JJ cried, swatting at Spencer's wrist. "When did you get married?"

"Yesterday! I proposed because it was Halloween and he said we couldn't wait! We went to the courthouse that night and eloped." He sighed wistfully.

Well, that answered one of Hotch's questions. 

"Agh, at least it's not your wedding night. That'd be shitty." Emily remedied, but it didn't seem to help Spencer.

"The day after your wedding is when the honeymoon starts!" Spencer protested. "Didn't even get sex. I miss him."

"Make him drink more coffee, please?" Hotch said, rubbing his temples. 

JJ coaxed the cup to his mouth, following with a water bottle that he chugged, nearly finishing half of it. Derek and Emily snickered in the back, but Spencer didn't notice he was the cause of their laughter. 

"Wanna tell us more about your husband?" Emily said, asking for disaster. "When did you two meet?"

"Ethan!" Spencer smiled lopsided, leaning back. "We've known each other since we were kids. Went to high school together, and CalTech. He came with me to the Academy, but he left." He frowned at that.

"Have you been together that whole time?" Rossi asked. 

"Nope!" He popped his 'p'. "We got together in New Orleans, back when JJ met Will."

"That was five years ago, Spence," JJ said. "Why didn't you tell us?"

He shrugged, pulling his legs up on the seat. "You never asked,"

"So, how about you tell us more about who he is?"

"Husband," Spencer smiled like he just couldn't believe it was true. "Doesn't it have a nice ring?" He laughed a bit then. "Heh, get it? _Ring_?"

Emily snorted, biting her tongue when Hotch swatted at her arm. Spencer's emotions were all over the place, who knew if he'd laugh along or start crying at Emily's humor. 

"We went to the bar to celebrate," He continued. "I wasn't gonna drink, but Ethan got these jello shots and I was only gonna have one!"

"You told me you had eleven, Reid," Hotch said. 

"I did. They were good. Ethan had seven."

"Jesus Christ," Derek laughed. "Who knew Pretty Boy could drink so much?"

"Hey!" He protested. "I'm allowed to drink! I'm 29 and I just got married! Besides, I'm Darth Vader, I can drink if I want."

"Is that what this costume is?" Rossi asked, glancing at Spencer's disheveled appearance. 

Spencer nodded. "I had a mask but Ethan said I couldn't wear it to work. When we got home I was gonna change into a different _costume_ for him, but the bossman called me in! Can you believe that?"

There was raucous laughter from the team, barely contained when Hotch glared at them, not doing much better than them at concealing his smile. 

"Now _that_ is something I never thought I'd hear coming from you, Reid," Derek laughed, grinning. "I wanna hear all about that."

"Naughty boy, Derek Morgan," Spencer reprimanded, wagging his finger teasingly. "I am a married man! Shoulda got to me before Ethan did." He tried to wink. "But our bed has room for three." He wiggled his eyebrows, obviously joking, but not in a way he would've if he was sober. 

"Okay, Reid, how about you finish your coffee and get some sleep. We land in five and a half hours." Hotch said. 

"Five hours and 43 minutes!" Spencer clarified, downing his coffee and moving to the couch as instructed. 

"I thought you were drunk?" Rossi asked, incredulous. 

"And yet I'm still a genius," Spencer said, shrugging. His eyes were already fluttering shut but he struggled to keep them open. He pulled his old phone out, loudly clicking buttons until he put the phone next to his ear. 

"Hey, Spence, you okay?" Ethan's voice came out loudly through the speaker. 

"Hey, husband of mine!" He spoke loudly, and the team didn't mind. "Derek hit on me,"

"I did not!" 

"Are you getting ready to get some sleep, Spence?" Ethan asked, ignoring the accusations and defense. 

"Mhm," Spencer said, curling in on himself and holding the phone close. His voice got quieter and if the team strained they could hear his husband's voice still speaking, reading something to the genius, even well past when Spencer's breathing turned to snores. 

JJ walked over, wiping off Spencer's costume makeup and putting a blanket over him, and when she did she could hear Ethan's own breathing coming through the phone. It felt wrong to hang up, so she found an outlet and plugged his phone in, tucking it by his ear and giving him a kiss on the forehead, whispering goodnight before catching up on her own sleep.

* * *

When Spencer awoke the next morning he had a searing headache, the loud humming of the jet engine doing nothing to help the pain behind his eyes. It took him a moment to recall ever getting on the jet, or the fact that they had a case in the first place. He remembered going to the bar with Ethan, dressed up even though it was the day after Halloween it was a Saturday and everybody else at the bar was in costume too. He remembered telling Ethan he didn't want to drink much, and then he remembered jello shots, and it got a bit fuzzy. Bits and pieces resurfaced, memories of a call from Penelope when they had just arrived home, Ethan significantly soberer than Spencer, then arriving at the BAU, boarding the jet, and he knew he talked to the team but he couldn't remember what about yet. When the aching in his head and nausea passed he would be able to remember more, he was sure. 

He groaned when he turned, sunlight streaming through a window directly into his eyes, alerting the team of his consciousness. 

"Welcome to the land of the living," Rossi said. 

"Coincidentally today is Dia de Los Muertos," Spencer said, rubbing at his eyes and fumbling for his phone. He found it, still on a call with his husband and he hung up, sending him a short text to say good morning. His husband. Had he told the team? Looking down he saw the ring on his finger, adorning it for only two days but feeling so natural. When he looked up most everyone gave him knowing glances and he blushed. 

"Lover Boy," Derek grinned. "I cannot _believe_ you got married and didn't tell us! Five years with the man and we didn't know."

"We didn't even know there was a possibility of it _being_ a man!" Emily added, with no malice. If it were anyone else Spencer would've grown nervous, but he recently met Emily's ex-girlfriend while out with her. 

"So, I told you guys?" He asked, twisting the ring around his finger. 

"You told us much more than we needed to know," Hotch said, not looking up from his paperwork. "Do you need medicine?"

Spencer nodded, still squinting to avoid the bright light, and the sound of pills rolling around in a bottle was like gunshots going off next to him. "Like what?" Spencer asked. 

"Like how you didn't get sex on your honeymoon," JJ pointed out nonchalantly. 

"Or the fact that you had a different 'costume' for him, not Darth Vader but I'm sure it had something to do with _daddy_ ," Derek grinned like a madman, excited at the new joke material he had. 

"Oh, my god," Spencer groaned, taking the pills quickly and hiding his face in the blanket JJ had put over him last night. The memories were all flooding back, his slurred speech and drunken jokes and- _oh, god I invited Derek to a threesome with Ethan and me_. "Can we agree to never talk about this again?"

"C'mon kid, who do you think you're talking to?" Rossi asked, grinning at the young man. "These people don't forget anything!"

"Wanna tell us more about your special costume?"

"Or the affinity for jello shots?"

"Or maybe we can talk about how you know your bed has room for three?"

They all bombarded him and he wished they would land. There was nothing worse than being the butt of the jokes when you're stuck in a flying hunk of metal in the sky and can't escape the teasing. 

"You all suck," He said. 

"No, but apparently you do!" 


End file.
